Beverly Hills Villa MansionWell, it definitely has enough room for all my cars! I mean… where else would we start but Beverly Hills? This is the kinda place I like to rub elbows with my fellow moguls and order servants around. Hahaha we don’t have servants, that's illegal! (But I would if I could) This veritable castle has got more marble than you can shake a stick at, lawns as well manicured as my facial hair, and those great, curvy stairwells that people of my stature love oh so much.
Manicured EstateOne of the best things about 90210, other than the charms of Tori Spelling (Get it? Like the show? Beverly Hills 90210? Ugh, damn millennials…), is the abundance of fabulous mansions for the wealthiest among us to frolic and display our wealth, one of my favorite activities outside of creating works of cinematic art. One of the things I like about this place is that it clearly had so many rooms on the inside that they had to take one out and rebuild it outside. #WealthWoes, am I right? And everyone knows that a surefire way to stand out is to keep your hedge game strong, and this is one of those mansions where the greenery has an almost laser-like amount of precision. The edges are so sharp they could cut a diamond, except for the fact that they’re just leaves. Actually, that gives me an idea for diamond hedges...Hm...
Feynes Mansion & EstateCrystal chandeliers, old furniture, and private libraries. These are a few of MY favorite things (I trademarked this) Feynes estate has a little film history to it! Not as much as I do, but you know, it's close. D.W. Griffith was the first to shoot on this property and any man with initials as his first name is a man I want to know! Maybe I can clear out some of those stuffy, priceless knicknacks from the dining room so I can find a place for my Oscars (pending). Any property with more genuine wood than the interior trim of my Bentley is a place I like to shoot at. Also, I think the paintings watch you move so book today and get a lifetime haunting by people with fancy names, included for no additional cost!
Contemporary LA MansionThis one’s a little nouveau riche for my taste (Y’like that French? We’re trying out a new “diversity” thing in the office) but I can still appreciate an architectural display of prosperity when I see it. This is a good mansion to buy if you’ve just created a hot new social media platform and need a place to crash before you force your best friend out of the company (#Justice4Eduardo). This place has everything a good mansion needs: a solid staircase, high ceilings, a fountain out front, and an opulent chandelier in the foyer. Fun fact! “Foyer” is technically English, but it sounds French if you say it right, and if you say it enough, people in the office will think you’re really gunning for that diversity thing.
Pacific Palisades Gated MansionAh the cool, salty sea air, and a home theater! The best of all worlds. Plus a glass fence, so I can see the less-fortunate but they can’t get in! This is the life. This seems like the kind of place where a fellow who makes 10x the salary of their secretary would live, and that's a place I want to go! Maybe I’ll relax on the back deck that's even bigger than my ego (Impossible), or take a nap in the bedroom that’s even more extravagant than my lifestyle (Ridiculous), perhaps even prepare a meal for myself in the super-modern kitchen (now there’s a joke!). Whatever your shoot wants (we’re not in the business of needing here), this mansion is sure to satisfy!
Well, my time is money, more than I’ll pay you lazy PA’s, so I best be off. But always remember the 5 W’s of Wrapal: Wrent, Wshoot, Wget paid, Wrap, and Wuh……..rent again!
Ah revwar! Hows that for a high-class exit? Uh oh... they’re back from lunch...act cool.